In early March, C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney addressed a room full of couples being trained for pastoral ministry at the Pastors College. Soon these couples will return to their home churches to begin (or resume) the public and transparent life of pastoral ministry.

A question asked by one of the wives was simple: How should a wife respond when her pastor-husband is criticized? The question was asked in the context of pastor’s families, but the answer will likely benefit all married couples.

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Question: Carolyn, as a pastor’s wife, how do you handle situations where your husband is criticized or there is grumbling in the church about your husband?

Carolyn: Obviously, it certainly isn’t easy to have your husband criticized. But as wives, we must recognize our role as our husband’s helper and make sure we don’t take up an offense, which would not be helpful to our husbands. And that does not take place without a fight. This is the person you love the most in the whole world, and if someone is criticizing him, you can be easily offended and want to defend him. Yet, I must realize that taking an offense would be a disservice to my husband. So it’s important that we as wives guard our hearts, making sure we don’t take up an offense, seeking to serve our husbands as helpers.

C.J.: Your point is an excellent one. There have been many times that I have desired Carolyn to take up an offense—“Join me in my offense against this individual.” I’m not immediately happy that she hasn’t taken an offense, but I have learned that eventually she has served me invaluably when she does not take up an offense. In no way is she defending or justifying what others have said or done, but helping me monitor my heart, and impressing upon me that a sinful reaction from me would be more serious than whatever they are saying or doing, are the most effective ways she can serve me.

Sadly, over the years we have witnessed couples in ministry where wives have taken up an offense.

And this doesn’t just apply to sinful criticism, but also to when a husband is legitimately corrected by a member of the pastoral team or a member of the church. So you need both those categories. It’s difficult when those serving with your husband correct him in a certain area or bring an unfavorable evaluation. A wife might find herself more vulnerable to taking up an offense when her husband has been corrected. I am grateful for the way Carolyn has served me by not taking up an offense. And numerous times she has agreed with the correction, protecting me from arrogantly dismissing the correction and preventing me from sowing discord among those I serve in ministry.

So, whether it’s sinful criticism or legitimate correction of me, how do you guard your heart, Carolyn?

Carolyn: Wives should carefully listen to what’s being said. If there is something legitimate, bring that lovingly and carefully to your husband. I don’t think it serves a husband for a wife to just take the side of the person bringing criticism. But if there is a degree of truth, bring that in a way that serves him.

And just helping to mirror back to him what you are hearing him say. If he is sinning in response to the criticism, where appropriate, lovingly mirror that back to him: “It seems like this is how you are responding. Is this true? Are you offended at this person? Are you bitter?” Asking skillful questions.

It takes a lot of prayer and soul-searching in our own hearts to keep our hearts free from taking up an offense. But we must have a conviction about our role as our husband’s helper and ask, “What will truly help my husband?” It will not help him if I’m adding to the temptation he’s already experiencing. If he is being corrected or criticized, he’s already got a battle he is fighting. And if I come along and agree and participate in that, it makes his battle more difficult.

My husband has gone through seasons of correction, and it’s a temptation and fight. So I find myself having to pray for those who bring criticism or correction and filling my own heart with appropriate Scriptures so I can be a true helper to him during that time.

C.J.: Yes, but where they have been accurate observations—whether critics analyzing or friends correcting—you have courageously transferred that to me. Too often I have not been grateful in the moment. Eventually, I am grateful.

Would you say that one of the biggest challenges these ladies will confront as pastors wives is will be—when they hear the criticism or correction and they find there are aspects they agree with—how to inform their husbands of that without appearing to support any sinful attitude of others?

Carolyn: Yes. And I have through the years seen wives not do that, I’ve seen the effect and the outcome, and it has put the fear of God in me. At the moment it’s not always easy to take a stand and say, “I don’t think you’re responding humbly to this situation right now.” And it takes courage. Yet we’ve seen, because we’ve been in ministry for as many as we have, some very sad situations where I think wives really could have been the difference-maker if they would have challenged or confronted their husbands.

C.J.: So wouldn’t you say that over the years that some wives misunderstood submission and honor (or so it appears)? I think that has played a role. And for some it could be fear of man—fear of husband.

I can tell you this: For any marriage, correction of the husband by the wife would be one category on my short list of most important. If I observed a wife who was reluctant to correct her husband I would be concerned with that marriage. Obviously, I’m not arguing for a contentious marriage, but correction, humbly communicated, must be part of every marriage.

Part of what Carolyn has modeled personally and taught well is what she taught at the last Leadership Conference—“Watch Your Man”—in broadening an understanding and application of “helper” to include appropriate correction. I would argue that correction is not just part of marriage but an aspect of what it means to be fellow heirs of the grace of life.

Carolyn’s encouragement has been of immeasurable benefit to me, but equally so or more, on balance, has been her correction. She has protected me when sin was deceiving me. What a gift this has been to me!

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Photo by Janelle Bradshaw

Most of what you read and hear today about the Super Bowl will involve what took place on the field. I don’t need to add to this noise, and I wouldn’t have anything unique to add. (Although how could Belichick have gone for it on 4th and 13 and not kicked a field goal from the 49-yard line in the third quarter?)

Obviously my prediction of an easy win by the Patriots was slightly off. Personally, I didn’t think it was a great game -- but it was a great 4th quarter. And I can’t believe I was rooting for the Giants. And I can’t believe I am happy they won. Actually, I was more interested in what would take place after the game. I was leaning forward as the game ended, eager to observe what Bill Belichick would do. How would he respond to this test of adversity and his first taste of defeat this year? Would he be humble and gracious in defeat?

Sadly, he didn’t appear to be. Before the game officially ended he had already left the field. Sure, he did make his way across the field to congratulate Tom Coughlin, but then he left the field and the game was not over! He should have returned to the field to take his place as coach for the final play of the game. He should have humbly returned to the sideline and set an example as the leader of this team. This game will be difficult, if not impossible, for the Patriots to forget, but Belichick could have set an example for his team that would have transcended the game. He could have set an example of humility they would never forget.

I stayed up after the game for one reason. I knew they would interview Belichick, and I wanted to hear what he would say. I hoped he would at least congratulate the Giants on their victory. He did not. He missed yet another opportunity to provide a compelling and humble example of how to conduct oneself when one has lost the game.

Though many will write about what took place on the field during the game, I thought his actions at the end of the game and after the game were the most disappointing aspects of the game. And this is the stuff I review and emphasize with my son as we talk about the game. This is what I want him to remember and learn from this game.
 
But I must pay careful attention to my heart as I critique coach Belichick, because I am vulnerable to my own more serious expression of arrogance as I observe Bill Belichick. In critiquing coach Belichick and teaching my son biblical discernment and the importance of godly character, I must avoid a self-righteous attitude.

Bill Belichick is not the worst sinner I know. I am the worst sinner I know. For am I most familiar with the countless sins I have committed against God, the countless times I have responded in a similar way as Mr. Belichick when I have encountered the test of adversity. Though it doesn’t appear Bill Belichick is a humble man, I know I am not a humble man. 

I am a proud man who is pursuing humility only by the grace of God. And it is only by the grace of God that I have been saved from the wrath of God against my sins. It is only by the death of the Lord Jesus Christ, on the cross, as my substitute for my sins, that I am forgiven of my many sins and have hope for the weakening of pride in my life. And therefore the appropriate response to what I observed in Mr. Belichick last night is to pray that he will become aware of his need for a Savior and turn from his sins and trust the Savior.

So today after examining my heart for any trace of self-righteousness, any hint of moral superiority in my soul, I have prayed that God would use these circumstances to obtain the attention of Bill Belichick. I pray that God would strategically provide individuals to care for this man at this time and share the gospel with him. And I pray that God would have mercy on him and grant him the gift of repentance so this most disappointing experience would become for him a means of encountering the most amazing experience, the grace of God in the gospel of Christ and him crucified.
 
C.J.